(12) Discovering the World in One Pair of Pants

Gord’s bicycle trip to Port Bruce (PB), Aug. 24 - 27, 2012

“Mon., Aug. 27 - sprinkling @ breakfast 7:45. I’ll be gone soon in wet clothes?” 

*

CHAPTER SEVEN   -   Good memories, great trip PT 1

The answer to the above question (i.e., “I’ll be gone soon in wet clothes?”) is yes. 

But I didn’t care at 7:45 a.m. I knew a cool, drizzly day would make for a cooler bike ride home to London from Port Bruce, a distance of 60 - 65 kilometers if my motorcycle odometer - during dozens upon dozens of trips to the small port over the past 6 years - can be trusted.

I packed up my camping gear while a few early risers from nearby trailers went about their own chores and felt, with a lighter load, my ride home would be a lot easier than the ride to the seashore three days earlier.

I already felt the short trip or mini-vacation was a success for several reasons. I’d combined fun with fitness, finished a good book on the beach, ate and drank well, slept soundly in spite of night-time Hallowe’en activities in the campground, splashed about in Lake Erie, celebrated (somewhat unknowingly) the 251st anniversary of The Royal Salute with cold beers in the shade of scrub trees mere meters away from where the original salute took place (the beers may even have been prohibited, so that made them taste awfully good), got a lot of use out of one pair of pants and was going home with many excellent photographs and memories.

Good memories of Port Bruce have piled up over the years, starting over 45 - 50 years ago when I was invited to the wee hamlet for a couple of days during the summer by Ken Faulds, a butcher of some repute.

That may sound a lot worse than it is. Ken Faulds and I worked at the same grocery store (Maedel’s Red and White) in Norwich, Ontario for a few years in the mid-1960s. Ken ran the butcher shop full-time and I stocked shelves part-time, but I happily helped in the butcher shop - because of the perks - by grinding hamburger and wrapping and tagging packages of meat whenever Ken needed an extra pair of hands. Not only did I get my regular pay but I often went home with a small bit of steak as a ‘thank-you’ for my general all-around helpfulness (I was one of the best sweepers and cleaner-uppers in the business) and positive attitude with grocery store customers.

“This regular ground beef looks a bit too fatty for me. Can I get 2 pounds of lean ground beef?” someone would often ask while Ken was slicing and dicing pork loins.

Ken would give me a look and I’d walk over to the customer and say something like, “Why, sure. I’ll just go out back, grind some up fresh and be back in a jiff. And I guarantee it will be leaner than anything you’ll get south of Little Otter Creek.”

After I finished my task of grinding, wrapping, tagging and waving ‘good-day’ to the customer, Ken would say, “What did you do to get the lean ground beef?”

“I took about two pounds of regular and reddened it up by adding some chicken gizzards and pork scraps from the bucket on the middle shelf in the cooler,” I’d say.

“See me on the way out, my boy,” he’d say. 

And one time he said, “And how’d you like to come to the lake this weekend to meet my wife and kids? I think you’ll get along great with my oldest son. I’ll fry us up a few T-bones.” 

A good connection was made with Ken, his wife Jean, older son Peter and younger son Billy on a pleasant summer night that smelled of warm beer, hot fried steak and cool breezes in a tiny lakeside port that few people ever pay much attention to these days. At least that’s how I think of it - and thought of it when I was 16 years old... and it’s my story after all.

Peter Faulds plays a central role in another favourite story of mine, related to Port Bruce, and I’ll share it next. Once you hear it you’ll want to visit the place yourself.

[Photos by G.Harrison]

***

Please click here to view Discovering the World: Photos From Along The Way

Please click here to read Discovering the World Chapter Six Part 2

(6) Discovering the World in One Pair of Pants

Gord’s bicycle trip to Port Bruce and Catfish Creek, Aug. 24 - 27, 2012

“Lazy bum am I.” (Historically speaking, of course).

*

CHAPTER FIVE   -   Sir William... meet Sir Gordon

Readers who know about Port Bruce’s exciting history will undoubtedly be aware that, on Friday, August 24, at about the same time I was speeding down Dexter Line toward a stop sign - with 50 pounds of gear strapped to my bicycle and hoping my hand brakes would save me from ripping across a busy intersection and splashing into Catfish Creek - Sir William Johnson approached the creek from the opposite direction, from Long Point, with “his son Lt. John Johnson, Capt. Slosser, the Royal Americans under the command of Ensigns Francis Slosser and Robert Holmes of the 60^th regiment in four "battoes" (bateaux or large boats) and the Yorkers under the command of Lt. Amos Ogden in eight boats and one birch canoe... (along with) a group of Mohawk Indians giving a total of 13 boats in the expedition” 251 years earlier to the day. (History: At Port Bruce)

[Sir William Johnson visited Port Bruce in 1761]

[Meet Sir Gordon, 251 years later]

Some readers, now that the dates are fresh in their minds, will also know that August 25 is a significant day as well, and that exactly 251 years before I sat on the Port Bruce beach under lovely, sunny skies with a few cans of cold beer and read some of the last chapters of a thick book about D-Day in Normandy (WWII, France), Sir William, after receiving significant news “of the surrender of Belle Isle to his Britannic Majesty, the 7^th of June last; also an account of our defeating the Cherokees the tenth of last July, and burning fifteen of their towns,” assembled his mighty forces around him - along with a quantity of gunpowder and alcohol - and “gave orders for the Royal Americans and Yorkers, at three o'clock, to be in arms, and fire three volleys, and give three cheers; after which, each man is to have a dram to drink his majesty's health.” 

Hip hip hooray! What a lovely day, I say.

[Sir William wrote, "Tuesday 25^th, A fine morning; wind at N. E."]

According to my notes, I too raised a glass (in my case, a plastic cup) at about three o’clock, and was quite likely the only person in the entire world celebrating - somewhat unknowingly - ‘The Royal Salute’ on the beach upon which the very first was given. I’m a proud, historic man. 

According to Sir William’s diary, however, the same cannot be said for all who took part in the original salute. It says, “All the officers dined and spent the afternoon with me, and Mr. Gambling, the Frenchman, who got very drunk this night, and told me several things very openly.”

What shameful, historic secrets were blurted out over tall glasses of rum I can only imagine.

My day and evening past peacefully. I spent most of the afternoon reading in the shade and bobbing in Lake Erie. I ate healthy meals and, because Hallowe’en was celebrated in the campground, I treated myself to ice cream after supper - far away from the noise.

[Motor 'battoes' entering and exiting Catfish Creek]

While looking at the selection of ice cream at the Corner View Cafe I also answered what was likely the most important question of the day.

Question (from my notes): What ice cream flavour tops off my 2nd meal of No Name Irish Stew with “formed chunks of meat”?

Answer (also from my notes): Something without chunks, maybe! 

I later enjoyed tea at The Sand Kastle, with my D-Day history book in hand, and as the sun set I returned to my tent, hoping all young ghosts and goblins were zonked out on sugar. 

Most were, and ten minutes after parking my head on a pillow inside my tent, steps away from the last bits of Hallowe’en madness (“It’s 10 o’clock Saturday night in August, for Pete’s sake,” I said to myself.), I fell fast asleep, with not a care in the world, except for that Hallowe’en thingee.

Please stay tuned for more PHOTOS FROM ALONG THE WAY and CHAPTER SIX of Discovering the World.

[Port Bruce, August 25, 2012]

An account of Sir William Johnson's visit to Port Bruce, Ontario (site of the Royal Salute, Tuesday, August 25, 1761) is found at this link. References to my participation have not been found.

[All photos but one by G.Harrison]

***

Please click here to view more PHOTOS FROM ALONG THE WAY

Please click here to read CHAPTER FOUR, Discovering the World in One Pair of Pants

(1) Discovering the World in One Pair of Pants

Introduction

Round trip by bicycle: London to Port Bruce, Ontario. 125 km. 

August 24 - 27, 2012

“Cycling with too much weight is hard work”

*

CHAPTER ONE   -   Why cycle to Port Bruce?

Why ride a bike over 60 kilometers to an almost-forgotten old fishing port I’ve visited one hundred times already? Good question. 

Why not? It’s guaranteed to be quiet, peaceful and several flavours of ice cream are sold at the Sand Kastle restaurant. Good answer.

I like travelling no matter the method. By foot, bicycle,  canoe, motorcycle, train or plane. I like travelling a short distance for a few hours (e.g., through Chicago by foot or to Lake Erie by bicycle) or a long distance for several hours (e.g., to Switzerland by plane). The rewards are plentiful along the way and more await at my destination.

[The beach at Port Bruce]

I’m a willing traveller who likes to pack (often too much), unpack, take walk-abouts and scores of pictures and talk to complete strangers when I’ve had enough time playing quiet observer. I like learning a few new things each day away from home and then packing up for the return trip.

I like trying to pack light (one pair of pants) and hanging onto my money. My favourite souvenirs are rocks, tans and photos.

A few days ago (August 24) I bicycled to Port Bruce in order to camp for three nights, read at the beach and enjoy a King Burger at the Sand Kastle. Now that I’m home, and after much careful thought and several complicated mathematical calculations (including one Venn diagram), I give the trip a score of 8 out of 10. 

[Miele bike, CCM trailer and me, ready to go]

About the score: The weather was great, I couldn’t ask for better, I felt my bones relax, and though the broken sign that read “Are Strictly Prohibited On The Beach” probably referred to Alcoholic Beverages, the first cold beer I drank under the spreading arms of twin scrub trees tasted absolutely great. And if it was illegal then it tasted even better. However, a few snags appeared along the way, as did the cold nose of a frisky dog - almost inside my shorts - when least expected.

Please join me below for CHAPTER TWO and more PHOTOS FROM ALONG THE WAY.

* 

Discovering the World in One Pair of Pants

London to Port Bruce, four days, by bicycle

“I settled on lunch under a shady tree at New Sarum Diner @ 12:45”

*

CHAPTER TWO   -   A detour and a free lunch   

I left my house and my anxious wife (“What will I do with all my free time, now that he’s gone?” she wondered.) at 9:45 a.m. on Friday, the 24th of August, and headed to a nearby bike shop to buy pedals with toe clips, but I found it was closed, so I past some time by pumping up the tires on my bike and heavily-loaded trailer, and tapping my feet. 

In all I waited about 15 minutes but couldn’t wait any longer because the thought of riding 60 kilometers weighed heavy on my shoulders, as did the extra pounds of gear I had behind me... compared to a similar trip earlier in the summer. (My large can of Irish Stew with its ‘preformed chunks of meat’ alone felt like five pounds of excess cargo during the first two blocks of pedaling. I decided to keep it on board anyway, along with a lot of other stuff I used once - or not at all - during four days of camping. My packing skills are a work in progress).

“Forget about the pedals,” I said and headed south toward Bradley Avenue, Pond Mills and Wilton Grove Roads. They led me to my favourite route south to Lake Erie, i.e., Old Victoria Sideroad.

Though Old Vic has a few sections still in gravel (the road isn’t called ‘Old’ for no good reason), the hard-packed dirt is a decent ride and the lack of traffic is a welcome relief. When motorcycling to Port Bruce in the past I often used the road at low speed for sight-seeing. I once spotted elderberry bushes in bloom and another time wild turkeys on the run - nearly 50 miles per hour it seemed - in harvested corn fields.

On this day I found it closed due to construction.

[My favourite route is closed]

“Darn it all,” I said, though not politely. “Now I’ll have to take the Belmont Road to New Sarum (on Highway 3).”

On the plus side I would have all paved roads. On the minus side I would have heavier traffic, more noise - compared to birds - and less solitude. And I like solitude. I like stepping off the bike in quiet spots and listening to the wind in the willows, chirp of golden finches and quietness of wide open spaces.

[Sometimes, on a quiet day, I hear corn grow]

Not today, I thought. At least, not until I get to Quaker Rd. south of Highway 3.

My trip diary - it’s always close at hand - records the following: I continued east (RATS!) on Wilton Grove Rd. = busier, w chewed up shoulder. Belmont Rd. was OK w shoulder and I arrived in Belmont @ 11:50 but pressed on (w 2 major hills) to Mapleton. Made good time so settled on lunch under a shady tree @ New Sarum Diner @ approx. 12:45.

According to my well-organized ‘camping menu’, which I kept on a separate piece of paper in my wallet (close to my money, as if to say, “Go easy, man. Stick to some sorta budget”), I planned to buy myself, as some kind of reward for endurance, a nice lunch at the New Sarum Diner, the home of ‘four-penny cheese’ in the not-too-distant past. 

[I planned every meal. But didn’t stick to it!]

But my wife had packed a lunch for me so I relaxed in the shade outside the diner, stuffed my face for free and put the frustration of the detour behind me.   

[In the shade, outside the diner]

Note to readers: I wrote a column in The Londoner (London’s finest community newspaper) several years ago re the New Sarum Diner and their world famous ‘four-penny cheese’. If it wasn’t world famous then, it is now. 

When I find a link to the actual column I will provide it. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it!

Please click here for more PHOTOS FROM ALONG THE WAY.

CHAPTER THREE will appear shortly at this website.

[Photos by G.Harrison]

(2) Discovering the World in One Pair of Pants

PHOTOS FROM ALONG THE WAY

Round trip: London to Port Bruce

“I stopped several times for water and butt breaks.”

“I wasn’t kidding about the hills. Tough sledding.”

“Biking uphill would be easier with less weight in the trailer! And on a motorcycle!”

“Definitely time for lunch (in New Sarum).”

“It’s one hot day.”

“My first view of the lake is over two hours away.”

[Photos by G.Harrison]

Please join me here for CHAPTER THREE  and more PHOTOS FROM ALONG THE WAY.

***

Please click here to read TRIP ONE: CHAPTER TWO

Get Off of My Porch

Backgrounder: “I’m very, very surprised someone has not written a song exactly like this because terrible things - like those in the song - happen every weekend, if not every single day of the week. Not at my house, mind you, but somewhere. Use my porch if you need to brush somebody off.” gaharrison

Get Off of My Porch

1. You said that you didn’t love me,
You said you found someone new.
You said ‘cause I was your best friend
I should be happy for you.

Chorus;

Get offa my porch, stop your knockin’,
Nobody’s home, go away.
Leave me alone, I’m hurtin’,
(Or... lights are down low for a reason.)
I’ll come outside another day.


["Hey. You. Get off-a my porch!"]

2. I said you were sadly mistaken,
‘Cause I wasn’t happy at all.
I said, “I’ll be pining away, Dear,
All summer and into the fall.”

3. You said the first kiss was pleasure,
You said the last kiss was fun.
I thought the first kiss was treasure,
The last kiss - my heart came undone.

gah

***

Everyday something exactly like this happens.

Maybe I'm just the first one to sing about it - happily.

.

The Bucksnort Café

Backgrounder: “While driving to a fire fighter college in Texas a number of years ago, in order to visit my oldest son, I spotted a road sign in Kentucky directing traffic to the town of Bucksnort. Shortly after telling my wife we should retire to Bucksnort and open a coffee shop, this song followed.” gaharrison

The Bucksnort Café

Chorus:

I’m going to the Bucksnort Café,
I’ll have my first cup of the day,
I’ll talk to my pals, joke with the gals,
Life is good at the Bucksnort Café.


["Yup, I could drinka cuppa coffee 'bout now"]

Verse 1. I’ll get toast and thick marmalade,
The cranberry scones are homemade.
Two packets of sugar, some cream, and a stir,
Life is sweet at the Bucksnort Café.
I’ll pull out my Free Coffee card,
To get eight holes punched ain’t too hard.
First eight there’s a fee, the ninth cup is free,
Get a deal at the Bucksnort Café.

I’m going to the Bucksnort Café,
Their coffee gets me going each day,
I’ll talk to my pals, joke with the gals,
Life is good at the Bucksnort Café.

2. We’ll talk ‘bout the issues at hand,
Solve problems afflicting the land.
If politicians were smart, they’d take us to heart,
And drop in at the Bucksnort Café.
The price of eggs is too high,
But my wife will be rich when I die.
We talk ‘bout this stuff though life ain’t too rough,
Life goes on at the Bucksnort Café.

I’m going to the Bucksnort Café,
Buy me a refill – I’ll stay,
I’ll talk to my pals, joke with the gals,
Life is good at the Bucksnort Café.

gah

Please click here to read my most recent newspaper column.

.

Another Hit Single: Life in the Great Big City

Backgrounder: “I wrote this one so long ago I can’t recall if there was an incident I was witness to (or involved in) that prompted me to write this brilliant piece. However, after listening to a CBC Radio program yesterday re behaviours that occur on Toronto’s mass transit system I thought I’d dust it off.” gaharrison

Life in the Great Big City

1. My first trip to the city, got off the train,
Two guys said, “Can you spare a dime?”
I bent right down to open my pack,
Woke up next day flat on my back.
A policeman said, “Don’t look for pity!
Welcome to life in the great big city.”

Chorus:

Well, I lost my pants and my underwears,
I got roughed up, thrown down some stairs.
I lost my watch, some hard-earned money,
I’m almost naked, it ain’t even funny.
Policeman said, “Don’t look for pity!
Welcome to life in the great big city.”

2. I went to a movie, sat in the front row,
my neck was stiff after the show.
Went outside, could only look down.
Those two guys came back, throwed me around.
I cried for help, the crowd cried at me,
“Welcome to life in the great big city!”

3. Took a city bus, in Good Will pants,
spoke to a girl, thought I’d take a chance.
“’Scuse me, Miss, you got the time?”
She stole the rest of my stuff, left me one thin dime.
Yelled at the driver, he yelled at me.
“Welcome to life in the great big city!”

4. I used my dime, and phoned my Dad.
I heard his voice, I was really glad.
“It’s tough up here. What will I do?”
“It’s not my call. What will you do?”
I went for a walk, it dawned on me.
“Welcome to life in the great big city!”

gah

.

I Was the Last One To Go

Backgrounder: “I like cleaning up after parties and am usually the last one to go home. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.” gaharrison

I Was the Last One To Go

1. You called me last week, said, “Come over at nine.”
And if I had time, call a few friends of mine.
We planned to stay in, maybe watch some TV,
But after my friends left, I said, “Please dance with me.”

Chorus:

I was the last one to go, I was the last one to go,
We had the house to ourselves, no more movies to show.
You said, “Sure, we’ll dance when we put things away,
I was the last one to go, after you had your way.


2. We cleaned up the kitchen and filled up the sink,
These dishes won’t take long, I started to think.
But for each one I washed you brought even more,
Then you found all the dishes I hid behind the door.

3. I poured more hot water and started to clean,
I rolled up my sleeves, I was a scrubbing machine.
You said you’d be waiting for me to get done,
But I found you asleep as up came the sun.

4. I gave you a shake and you looked up at me
And said, “Who are you?” I said, “Hey, it’s me.”
“The last dish has been washed, and of that there’s no doubt.”
“Thanks a heck of a lot,” you said. “Now let yourself out.”

I was the last one to go, I was the last one to go,
We had the house to ourselves, no more movies to show.
You said, “Sure, we’ll dance when we put things away,
I was the last one to go, after you had your way.

GAH

I Ain’t the Bank

Backgrounder: “All my cracks about The Small Economy actually led to a brilliant song. No, my lovely wife doesn’t spend all my money. Some days it just enters my mind that we should buff up our savings account.” gaharrison

I Ain’t the Bank

1. Don’t spend my money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Don’t spend my money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
For driving us to the poorhouse, straight down the 401.
You bought a big car, an SUV, you thought it’d be great fun.
Payments bigger than my cheque, well, this ain’t fun for me...so...
Don’t spend my money, honey, this ain’t fun for me.


["Even our cows look poor": photo GAH]

2. Don’t spend my money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Don’t spend my money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
You drove my credit rating, straight down the 402.
You bought a house, with four bathrooms, less would never do.
I really never pee that much, you have spelled our doom...so...
Don’t spend my money, honey, you have spelled our doom.

3. Don’t spend my money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Don’t spend my money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
You drove my little nest-egg, straight down the 403.
You filled our house with so much stuff, four big-screen TV’s.
I work so hard, no time to eat, you’re making my life rough...so...
Don’t spend my money, honey, you’re making my life rough.

4. Don’t spend my money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Don’t spend my money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
You drove my small inher’tance, down Highway 404.
You bought new carpets and new drapes, I’ll have to work some more.
Can’t keep up with what you buy, our bank book’s in bad shape...so...
Stop spending money, honey, my bank book’s in bad shape.

5. Stop spending money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Stop spending money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
You drove us to the poorhouse, down Highway 405.
You had another spending spree, I won’t get out alive,
I wonder if you’ve ever heard, that the best in life is free.
Stop spending money, honey, the best in life is free.

GAH

.

Yet Another Hit Single: Fetch the Wild Turkey

Backgrounder: “My oldest son and his wife are expecting twins at any minute. Thinking about the changes that they’ll face reminded me of a song I wrote years ago for times when guitars and camping whisky were present at a campfire.” g.a.harrison

Fetch the Wild Turkey

1. I lived in the city, I owned my own house,
The only thing missing was a wonderful spouse.
You lived in the country, we met at a dance,
After the hoe-down, we both took a chance.
I'll fetch the Wild Turkey, I'll pour you a drink,
It's out in the kitchen, it's under the sink.
Since I first met you my plans are all new,
No one in the country is prettier than you.

2. I sold my possessions, and moved to your farm,
Bought cows for your field, a horse for your barn.
We'd pick the wild lilies and drink from the creek,
We'd talk about babies, stay in bed for a week.
Let's fetch the Wild Turkey, let's pour us a drink,
It's out in the kitchen, it's under the sink.
Since I first met you, been changes in me,
But you're certainly pretty in your red negligee.


3. Got three kids in diapers, twins on the way,
We’ve had one each year, it’s tradition you say.
To have lots of children to inherit the farm,
Extra hands at the harvest to fill up the barn.
You fetch the Wild Turkey, you pour me a drink,
It's out in the kitchen, it's under the sink.
Since I first met you my money's gone down,
But you still look real pretty in your purple nightgown.

4. Now we got four dogs and a house full of cats,
My allergies have come back, the corn's full of rats.
The house needs a new roof, porch leans to the ri-eee-ght,
The crickets are so loud I can't sleep at night.
Go fetch the Wild Turkey, I'll have us a shot,
Having too many is better than not.
Since I first met you my fortunes are down, down, down,
But you look kind of 'purdy' in that ratty nightgown.

5. The kids are all dirty in hand-me-down clothes,
We only get water 'fit rains or it snows.
The well it run dried, the crops blowed away,
The cows are all scrawny, the dogs ran away.
Fetch the Wild Turkey, I need me a shot,
Having too many is better than not.
Since I first met you my bankin’s a wreck,
But in that old night gown you're prettier 'an heck.

6. My spellin' is bad, my grammar am rotten,
Please don't complain, from you it's been gotten.
My troubles are all big, my money is small,
Please stop complainin' 'cause you spent it all.
*Fetch the Wild Turkey, I need one more shot,
Having too many is better than not.
Since I first met you my life has gone black,
Now the front of your nightgown looks the same as the back.

GAH

***

Life don’t git that bad, do it?

.

Bowling Shoe Blues

Backgrounder: “I think this is the first rhyming poem I put together that I intended to sing publicly. I can still remember the tune. As a participant in a summer course for teachers I had to come up with a short presentation for some reason or other and Bowling Shoe Blues was born. I think I ended up standing in front of a class in my Speedo singing Yellow Submarine with three other guys. Truth be told, we didn’t win any prizes.” gaharrison

Bowling Shoe Blues

1. Why just the other day I went bowling with Ray,
We met a couple fine ladies and I knew right away,
That one girl was for me, I fell in love don’t you see,
Now every Tuesday night I like to bowl with Lucy.
I put both shoes in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.

Chorus:

I got the bowling shoe blues, I got the bowling shoe blues,
I got the black white red stripe bowling shoe blues.
Bowling shoe blues, bowling shoe blues,
I got the black white red stripe bowling shoe blues.
I put them both in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.


2. Ray is honking at the gate, he doesn’t like to be late.
He’s got a girlfriend too and so he doesn’t want to wait.
Oh what can I do? I’m starting to stew.
I’m going to miss my girl ‘cause I can’t find my shoe.
I put them both in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.

3. I picked one shoe off the floor and I ran out the door,
I want to see my Lucy so can’t look anymore.
Ray had left with his truck I got such terrible luck,
So I ran down the block in one shoe and one sock.
I put them both in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.

4. Finally got to the lanes, Lucy started to complain,
“I don’t like getting stood up,” she said, “I hope that is plain.”
Then she looked at my feet, I told the story complete,
And now she’s hugging me and saying, “Hey, ain’t he sweet!”
I put them both in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.

GAH

***

No great loss, eh? Yellow Submarine wins.

.

She Had a Safety Pin

Backgrounder: “This song was inspired by a movie about a May - December romance. At least, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Anyway, the song isn’t about me and a younger woman because I’ve never worked for ‘Al’s Plumbing’. And I don’t bowl five-pin anymore. But if I did...” G.A. Harrison

She Had a Safety Pin

1. She saw me sitting at the bowling alley
and aimed her question at me.
"Do you make house-calls this time of night?"
"For you ma'am, yessiree."
I paid my tab, she tugged my arm
and asked me about my fee.
"I had some luck at five-pin tonight
so for you ma'am, tonight is free."

Chorus:

She had a safety pin stuck in her cheek
and I had a rip in my jeans.
I'd like to say it was love at first sight
but I don't know what that means.
She had a safety pin stuck in her cheek
and I had a rip in my jeans.
And I'm going to say that I had more fun
than a boy who was in his teens.


2. I grabbed my keys, we left Fleetwood Bowl,
and I offered her a ride.
"I only live, like, two blocks away.
We can walk there fast," she sighed.
She set a quick pace, I followed behind.
"Why don't we run?" I cried.
I took the lead for about thirty steps
but my lungs almost burst inside.

3. She said, "Over here, you crazy old man,
this is my place on the right."
My neck was hot and my shirt was wet,
I must have looked a sight.
But she said, "Come in, I'll lead the way,
first I'll just get the light.
My bathroom's down this narrow hall,
and, man, I need a bath tonight."

4. I was about to say a bath was okay
when she pointed to the drain.
"I'm glad you plumbers were bowlin’ tonight
‘cause for these things I have no brain."
I recalled then the ad on my shirt,
'Al's Plumbing', of local fame.
I rolled up my sleeves, gave the plunger a heave,
that was the end of the game.

gah

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Squirrel Stew from a Mason Jar

Backgrounder: “Last week, while building a birdhouse in my workshop, I heard a toe-tapping tune on CBC radio. The words “I eat squirrel stew from a Mason jar” popped into my head. Yesterday I teased out the following recession anthem. I think it’s brilliant.” gaharrison

1. I eat squirrel stew from a Mason jar,
Though that’s not the way things usually are.


I drive to the store in an old used car,
Can’t afford another, hope it takes me far.
Since I lost my job
the world is upside down.
Been doing more with less
like other folks in town.

Chorus:

I eat squirrel stew, I’m living small.
I buy used clothes and that’s not all.
I use a clothesline to dry my old blue jeans,
And now I know what sticking to a budget means.
I gave up BBQ-ing
because steak’s not cheap,
And what I’ve been sowing
I now must reap.

2. I made a solar oven to save on natural gas,
I cook up pots of oatmeal and make it last.
Now just like my old Papa I’ll eat anything,
I’m using Mama’s recipe for Tuna a la King.


But since I lost my job
tuna has been pretty rare.
Been doing more with less
like my closest neighbours are.

3. I bought more things on credit than I can count,
My debt was growing faster than my bank account.
Easy money flowed out of every corner bank,
For all my credit cards I have lots of folks to thank.
But since I lost my job
I’m cutting to the bone.
Been doing more with less
and I’m not alone.

GAH

***

Squirrel stew, Mason jars, living small, recession... they do go together, don't they?

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