I Was the Last One To Go

Backgrounder: “I like cleaning up after parties and am usually the last one to go home. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.” gaharrison

I Was the Last One To Go

1. You called me last week, said, “Come over at nine.”
And if I had time, call a few friends of mine.
We planned to stay in, maybe watch some TV,
But after my friends left, I said, “Please dance with me.”

Chorus:

I was the last one to go, I was the last one to go,
We had the house to ourselves, no more movies to show.
You said, “Sure, we’ll dance when we put things away,
I was the last one to go, after you had your way.


2. We cleaned up the kitchen and filled up the sink,
These dishes won’t take long, I started to think.
But for each one I washed you brought even more,
Then you found all the dishes I hid behind the door.

3. I poured more hot water and started to clean,
I rolled up my sleeves, I was a scrubbing machine.
You said you’d be waiting for me to get done,
But I found you asleep as up came the sun.

4. I gave you a shake and you looked up at me
And said, “Who are you?” I said, “Hey, it’s me.”
“The last dish has been washed, and of that there’s no doubt.”
“Thanks a heck of a lot,” you said. “Now let yourself out.”

I was the last one to go, I was the last one to go,
We had the house to ourselves, no more movies to show.
You said, “Sure, we’ll dance when we put things away,
I was the last one to go, after you had your way.

GAH

I Ain’t the Bank

Backgrounder: “All my cracks about The Small Economy actually led to a brilliant song. No, my lovely wife doesn’t spend all my money. Some days it just enters my mind that we should buff up our savings account.” gaharrison

I Ain’t the Bank

1. Don’t spend my money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Don’t spend my money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
For driving us to the poorhouse, straight down the 401.
You bought a big car, an SUV, you thought it’d be great fun.
Payments bigger than my cheque, well, this ain’t fun for me...so...
Don’t spend my money, honey, this ain’t fun for me.


["Even our cows look poor": photo GAH]

2. Don’t spend my money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Don’t spend my money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
You drove my credit rating, straight down the 402.
You bought a house, with four bathrooms, less would never do.
I really never pee that much, you have spelled our doom...so...
Don’t spend my money, honey, you have spelled our doom.

3. Don’t spend my money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Don’t spend my money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
You drove my little nest-egg, straight down the 403.
You filled our house with so much stuff, four big-screen TV’s.
I work so hard, no time to eat, you’re making my life rough...so...
Don’t spend my money, honey, you’re making my life rough.

4. Don’t spend my money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Don’t spend my money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
You drove my small inher’tance, down Highway 404.
You bought new carpets and new drapes, I’ll have to work some more.
Can’t keep up with what you buy, our bank book’s in bad shape...so...
Stop spending money, honey, my bank book’s in bad shape.

5. Stop spending money, honey, I ain’t the bank.
Stop spending money, honey, ‘cause I’ve got you to thank...
You drove us to the poorhouse, down Highway 405.
You had another spending spree, I won’t get out alive,
I wonder if you’ve ever heard, that the best in life is free.
Stop spending money, honey, the best in life is free.

GAH

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Yet Another Hit Single: Fetch the Wild Turkey

Backgrounder: “My oldest son and his wife are expecting twins at any minute. Thinking about the changes that they’ll face reminded me of a song I wrote years ago for times when guitars and camping whisky were present at a campfire.” g.a.harrison

Fetch the Wild Turkey

1. I lived in the city, I owned my own house,
The only thing missing was a wonderful spouse.
You lived in the country, we met at a dance,
After the hoe-down, we both took a chance.
I'll fetch the Wild Turkey, I'll pour you a drink,
It's out in the kitchen, it's under the sink.
Since I first met you my plans are all new,
No one in the country is prettier than you.

2. I sold my possessions, and moved to your farm,
Bought cows for your field, a horse for your barn.
We'd pick the wild lilies and drink from the creek,
We'd talk about babies, stay in bed for a week.
Let's fetch the Wild Turkey, let's pour us a drink,
It's out in the kitchen, it's under the sink.
Since I first met you, been changes in me,
But you're certainly pretty in your red negligee.


3. Got three kids in diapers, twins on the way,
We’ve had one each year, it’s tradition you say.
To have lots of children to inherit the farm,
Extra hands at the harvest to fill up the barn.
You fetch the Wild Turkey, you pour me a drink,
It's out in the kitchen, it's under the sink.
Since I first met you my money's gone down,
But you still look real pretty in your purple nightgown.

4. Now we got four dogs and a house full of cats,
My allergies have come back, the corn's full of rats.
The house needs a new roof, porch leans to the ri-eee-ght,
The crickets are so loud I can't sleep at night.
Go fetch the Wild Turkey, I'll have us a shot,
Having too many is better than not.
Since I first met you my fortunes are down, down, down,
But you look kind of 'purdy' in that ratty nightgown.

5. The kids are all dirty in hand-me-down clothes,
We only get water 'fit rains or it snows.
The well it run dried, the crops blowed away,
The cows are all scrawny, the dogs ran away.
Fetch the Wild Turkey, I need me a shot,
Having too many is better than not.
Since I first met you my bankin’s a wreck,
But in that old night gown you're prettier 'an heck.

6. My spellin' is bad, my grammar am rotten,
Please don't complain, from you it's been gotten.
My troubles are all big, my money is small,
Please stop complainin' 'cause you spent it all.
*Fetch the Wild Turkey, I need one more shot,
Having too many is better than not.
Since I first met you my life has gone black,
Now the front of your nightgown looks the same as the back.

GAH

***

Life don’t git that bad, do it?

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Come On Over, I'm Over You

Backgrounder: “My wife and I have gone through hard times but never hard enough to end in divorce. Thirty-nines years later I still say, she’s a keeper. Her thoughts on the matter? I’m not exactly sure, but I bet it's half good. This song was written as a bit of fun about an unfunny topic.” gaharrison

Come On Over, I'm Over You

I get the pet dog, you get the cat,
I get the pet mouse, you get the rat.
I get the parakeet, you get the cage,
I get the parsley, you get the sage.
I get the whiskey I like to drink,
You get the Tupperware under the sink.
I packed all our stuff, divided by two.
So, come on over, I'm over you.

Chorus:

Come on over, I said we’re through.
Come on over, it’s sad but true.
I'm over you and your cold embrace,
I'm over you and your hard-luck face,
Come on over, see my new place.
And, pick up your boxes, I need the space.

I get the car, you get the truck,
I get the chicken, you get the duck.
I get the pots, you get the pans,
I get the blue box, you get the cans.
I get the couch with the pull-out bed,
You get the twelve-speed we kept in the shed.
I packed all our stuff, divided by two.
So, come on over, I'm over you.


[“Halfa this is yours too. Come on over”]

I get the coffee, you get the tea,
I get the radio, you get the TV.
I get the shoes, you get the clothes,
I get the garden, you get the hose.
I get the dress shirts and all of my pants,
You get the song, you get the dance.
I packed all our stuff, divided by two.
So, come on over, I'm over you.

I get some money back, you get your purse,
I get my freedom, you get the curse.
I get the roof tops you get the floor,
I get my leg room you get the door.
I get the high road, a bottle of wine,
You get the low road and half of what's mine.
I packed all our stuff, divided by two.
So, come on over, I'm over you.

Optional -

I get the helo pad, you get the yacht,
I get the gold bars, you get the stock.
I get the time-share in Boca Raton,
You get the mansion, the five acre lawn.
I get the Bentley, the cottage in France,
You get the beach house, the long picket fence.
Whatever we dreamed I divided by two.
Now, come on over, I'm over you.

GAH

***

Yeah, like the Bentley is ever going to happen.

Click here to read my latest column in The Londoner

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Blue Moon

Backgrounder: “I wrote this song while going through a ‘Bill Monroe bluegrass’ phase. All I need to do now is learn how to play the mandolin or banjo.” gaharrison

Blue Moon

1. Borrowed two dollars from my mother,
borrowed five dollars from my pa.
Said the money was for groceries.
Instead, I spent it at the mall.
Borrowed ten dollars from my sister,
borrowed twenty from my gal,
Said the money paid my heat bill.
Instead, went drinking with a pal.

Chorus:

2. Blue moon shining in my window,
blue moon shining on the wall.
I’m sitting all alone at midnight,
Wondering why folks never call.
Blue moon shining in my window,
blue moon shining on the wall,
I lay down thinking of my loved ones,
they don't pay me mind at all.


["Blue moon shining in my window...": GAH]

3. Borrowed fifty from my brother,
borrowed a 'C' from Uncle Jack,
Said I had to buy a new suit,
had a job down at the track.
Borrowed two hundred from my grandma,
the same from a guy I met,
Said I had a sure-fire venture,
Translated means one final bet.

4. That last guy came back for his money,
I said, "I'm tapped out, my son."
He tapped me once, he tapped me twice,
he tapped me three times with his gun.
Borrowed two dollars from my mother,
borrowed five dollars from my pa.
Said, "I need a blood transfusion."
Haven't seen them since the fall.

Optional:

5. I lay here thinking of my loved ones,
they haven’t come by for awhile.
The nurses think that I’m an orphan,
they don’t ever see me smile.
I guess you shouldn’t borrow money,
not if you want to have a friend
When you’re walking through the valley,
when you’re getting near the end.

gah

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A Dark, Cheap Motel

Backgrounder: “A lot of people seem to write songs about drinking too much whisky or beer. Why is that? I can’t speak for the others, but over the years I’ve learned that heavy drinkers spread a lot of pain around.” gaharrison

A Dark, Cheap Motel

1, I spent the night in a dark, cheap motel
'Cause I lost the keys to my house.
Once I stayed three days at a strange trailer park,
I forgot the name of my spouse.

Chorus:

Well, I don't drink lots but I sure pick my spots,
That's why I ended up here.
I must confess I should drink a lot less,
Or switch to low alcohol beer.


2. I spent the night in a dark, cheap motel,
For awhile I slept out in the hall.
I'd ordered a round, had the cash in my hand,
That's the last I seem to recall.

3. I spent the night in a dark, cheap motel,
I think on the downside of town.
A new friend from the bar took care of my car,
Which someday still may be found.

4. I spent the night in a dark, cheap motel,
I paid with my new Mastercard.
When I finally get home no more will I roam,
I sure make this life so hard.

gah

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Bowling Shoe Blues

Backgrounder: “I think this is the first rhyming poem I put together that I intended to sing publicly. I can still remember the tune. As a participant in a summer course for teachers I had to come up with a short presentation for some reason or other and Bowling Shoe Blues was born. I think I ended up standing in front of a class in my Speedo singing Yellow Submarine with three other guys. Truth be told, we didn’t win any prizes.” gaharrison

Bowling Shoe Blues

1. Why just the other day I went bowling with Ray,
We met a couple fine ladies and I knew right away,
That one girl was for me, I fell in love don’t you see,
Now every Tuesday night I like to bowl with Lucy.
I put both shoes in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.

Chorus:

I got the bowling shoe blues, I got the bowling shoe blues,
I got the black white red stripe bowling shoe blues.
Bowling shoe blues, bowling shoe blues,
I got the black white red stripe bowling shoe blues.
I put them both in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.


2. Ray is honking at the gate, he doesn’t like to be late.
He’s got a girlfriend too and so he doesn’t want to wait.
Oh what can I do? I’m starting to stew.
I’m going to miss my girl ‘cause I can’t find my shoe.
I put them both in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.

3. I picked one shoe off the floor and I ran out the door,
I want to see my Lucy so can’t look anymore.
Ray had left with his truck I got such terrible luck,
So I ran down the block in one shoe and one sock.
I put them both in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.

4. Finally got to the lanes, Lucy started to complain,
“I don’t like getting stood up,” she said, “I hope that is plain.”
Then she looked at my feet, I told the story complete,
And now she’s hugging me and saying, “Hey, ain’t he sweet!”
I put them both in the closet. One’s gone - I musta los’ it.
I got the black and white, one red stripe bowling shoe blues.

GAH

***

No great loss, eh? Yellow Submarine wins.

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Are You a Rich Man?

Backgrounder: “This song was written about seven years ago but is definitely linked to experiences from the sixties. I read and wrote poetry then, listened to Bob Dylan, enjoyed single malt whisky (beer just wasn’t hip enough for me) and fell in love about every three days. After 39 years of marriage (Aug. 8 anniversary) the answer to the question is yes.” gaharrison

Are You a Rich Man?

1. We met at some party of an old friend of mine,
I was off in a corner just putting in time.
When the smell of perfume, the warm brush of skin,
Awakened my senses, I was glad she walked in.

Chorus:

She thought I was special, more than I was,
The first time we met she was feelin’ the buzz,
From a single malt whisky that I had supplied.
“Are you a rich man?” she asked.
“Yes I am,” I replied.


["Peace and love from the sixties": photo GAH]

2. We went to the kitchen, she was looking for ice.
She asked, “Would you like some?” I said, “You smell nice.”
She laughed at my answer, so I chuckled right back,
If she’d wanted refinement
I would have tried some of that.

3. We were soon tangled up on a warm pile of coats.
She asked, “Are you serious?” I was thinking wild oats.
But we made an excuse, took a cab to my place,
Though I felt my apartment
would be a disgrace.


["I like Dylan, do you?": photo GAH]

4. After seeing my bookcase she said, “You like poetry too.”
“Have you any good music? I like Dylan, do you?”
We spent the night on the couch with the stereo on.
Got married that summer
and the riches live on.

GAH

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She Had a Safety Pin

Backgrounder: “This song was inspired by a movie about a May - December romance. At least, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Anyway, the song isn’t about me and a younger woman because I’ve never worked for ‘Al’s Plumbing’. And I don’t bowl five-pin anymore. But if I did...” G.A. Harrison

She Had a Safety Pin

1. She saw me sitting at the bowling alley
and aimed her question at me.
"Do you make house-calls this time of night?"
"For you ma'am, yessiree."
I paid my tab, she tugged my arm
and asked me about my fee.
"I had some luck at five-pin tonight
so for you ma'am, tonight is free."

Chorus:

She had a safety pin stuck in her cheek
and I had a rip in my jeans.
I'd like to say it was love at first sight
but I don't know what that means.
She had a safety pin stuck in her cheek
and I had a rip in my jeans.
And I'm going to say that I had more fun
than a boy who was in his teens.


2. I grabbed my keys, we left Fleetwood Bowl,
and I offered her a ride.
"I only live, like, two blocks away.
We can walk there fast," she sighed.
She set a quick pace, I followed behind.
"Why don't we run?" I cried.
I took the lead for about thirty steps
but my lungs almost burst inside.

3. She said, "Over here, you crazy old man,
this is my place on the right."
My neck was hot and my shirt was wet,
I must have looked a sight.
But she said, "Come in, I'll lead the way,
first I'll just get the light.
My bathroom's down this narrow hall,
and, man, I need a bath tonight."

4. I was about to say a bath was okay
when she pointed to the drain.
"I'm glad you plumbers were bowlin’ tonight
‘cause for these things I have no brain."
I recalled then the ad on my shirt,
'Al's Plumbing', of local fame.
I rolled up my sleeves, gave the plunger a heave,
that was the end of the game.

gah

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I Could Search the World Over

Backgrounder: "An older friend of mine almost didn't make it out of the hospital recently, so I wrote a song for "next time." I'm pretty sure there will be a next time for him and all my other friends. And when I search for them - they'll be somewhere else." gaharrison

I Could Search the World Over

1. I could search the world over but won’t find my friend.
I could search from the front door and right to the end.
I am sad to be told that he’s gone from the land.
I could search the world over but I won’t find my friend.

2. The thoughts of my friend fill up my head.
I wish in his place it was me who was dead.
I feel in my mind it was too quick an end.
I could search the world over but I won’t find my friend.


3. I will look to the heavens and call out his name.
And from a high hill he will answer the same.
He will show me the place where he lays down his head.
He will tell me we’re brothers and that he’s not dead.

4. We will sing as we did when we were both young.
We will dance to the music from dusk until dawn.


We will clap both our hands and raise up a cheer.
We never lose good friends and those we hold dear.

5. I could search the world over but I won’t find my friend.
I must look to the heavens where he lives to the end.
* We lose and we win in the wink of an eye.
We never lose good friends they wait but on high. (* repeat)

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Prose: backpack canoe: conclusion - ‘North Tea reflections’

Backgrounder: “Three days and nights on North Tea gave birth to countless memories. When our group gets together to talk about past trips the stories spill out of us in handfuls, like beans from a burlap sack.” gaharrison

North Tea reflections

coffee in the morning
has a heightened taste
brought to boil
over an open flame.

after a sound sleep
on a pine needle mattress
cold clean water cuts
short the morning dip.

tarp water is turned aside
by a hastily dug
shallow trench
around my tent.

adult loons
patient and protective
are wise diving instructors
for their eager young.

wooden box crappers
havens for hardy mosquitoes
open to the elements
and passing paddlers.


crows as big as barns
chatter loudly for hours
to pass the time
in the treetops.

chicken noodle soup
four for a dollar
a satisfying noon meal
on a cool rock bench.

fajitas, steaks, salads,
store-bought lasagna
catch jealous eyes
and take the culinary prize.

on warm evenings
we scout for moose we tip canoes
and lanterns left in trees
guide stragglers home.



Catch more posts at It Strikes Me Funny by G. Harrison

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Prose: backpack canoe, more than a trilogy part 3 - ‘moose at Manitou’

Backgrounder: “While camping near North Tea Lake in Algonquin Park several years ago I saw my first moose. Don tried to shoot it (with his camera) but lost his balance and camera equipment during the process. I wrote about the event and still describe moose as very agile for their size.” gaharrison

moose at Manitou


first lone moose
spotted near a cedar shore
head visible above water
leisurely tearing leaves
from a fallen branch.
the canoes drifted too close
and the moose soon bolted
on long black legs
into safe scrub brush.

second sighting, on Manitou Lake
huge muscular unassuming beasts
perhaps near-sighted
but so alert -
twitching ears caught every sound.
two stood knee deep
in long marsh grass
five canoes, silent, still,
approach cautiously
‘til the spell is broken
we exchange stares
with odd silent creatures.
did they hear us breathe?
only a few agile strides needed -
the two disappeared.

gah

More posts about daily life at It Strikes Me Funny

***

My last moose encounter occured in 2007 while motorcycling on the Trans-Canada highway between Wawa and White River. A lone moose seemed to be the only inhabitant of that lonely stretch of highway.

Have you enjoyed a moose sighting lately? Where?

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Prose: backpack canoe, more than a trilogy part 2 - ‘first day out’

Backgrounder: “Somewhere near the middle of North Tea Lake, while sitting in canoes rented from “No Way Out Adventures”, our group of canoes stopped so that weary occupants, myself among them, could take a welcome break. Black licorice sticks never tasted sweeter. My shoulders had never been so sore or hot to the touch. It all seemed worth it an hour later when on dry land.” gaharrison

first day out

breakfast, fresh at “no way out”
equal parts stiff cool breeze
and soft-boiled eggs
the mosquitoes thankfully took a break.
large loads of freight
every item precious
bring anxious smiles as canoes,
sitting much lower in the water now,
jockey heavily at the gate.
the first energetic push,
past lily pads
and long snake grass,
stretches every muscle
through endless twists and turns
to the first portage.


lunches and black licorice
quickly unpacked, are eaten
on a small outcrop of rock
backs are hunched ‘gainst
a cold wet wind.
with white caps to fight
all heads are down
hot spots tear at tired shoulders
from the hard grip on paddles.
but slowly we draw closer
to our island home
wild point of rock and pine.

... to be continued

gah

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Prose: backpack canoe, more than a trilogy part 1 - anticipation

Backgrounder: “In an ongoing effort to put all of my song lyrics, poetry and prose in one place, get discovered and make a million dollars (the price of a decent cup of coffee works for me as well) I dragged ‘backpack canoe’ out of the closet. If it was in three parts I’d call it a trilogy from North Tea Lake, Algonquin Park, northern Ontario, circa 1993. The group I travelled and camped with are friends to this day.” gaharrison

anticipation

gotta hit the johnny cash
gotta hit the road

with a heavy nylon backpack -
every pocket full
tightly zippered shut
stashing plastic jars
spices, syrup, porridge,
rice, pop-tarts and pasta
hungry-man size only
a five day supply


gotta hit the johnny cash
gotta hit the road

with a twelve foot canoe of cedar -
both ends snugged down
with yellow nylon lines
honda stuffed front and back
pointing north to Sundridge
five hours to Algonquin
adventure at North Tea awaits

money quick at johnny cash
gotta hit the road

gah

***

FYIs - years ago, some cash machines were called johnny cash machines

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